An album of ballads about those who inspire, enrage and entertain us.

11 MP3 Songs in this album (48:47) !
Related styles: Rock: Modern Rock, Rock: Album Rock, Mood: Fun

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Details:
Conquistador Incorporated is a quartet based in Austin, TX. This is their first full length album and they are quite proud of it. You can visit them online at www.conquistadorincorporated.com. Here are the stories behind some of the songs on this album:

Diaper Man Found Guilty - Florida Man Pleads Guilty to Fraud
COCOA, FLORIDA - Sean âdiaper manâ Kelly was arrested on charges of organized fraud. Kelly had hired several women to care for his severely mentally disabled brother, but the brother turned out to be Kelly himself acting like a five year old. Under the guise of Mike Kelly, his fictional brother, Sean promised to pay $600 a week for caretaker services. The women were paid to look after him at their homes and perform tasks such as bottle feeding, bathing, and changing his dirty diapers. Kelly would often spend his days playing video games and watching SpongeBob SquarePants with the children of the unsuspecting victims. At the end of the day he would feebly thank the women and ride the bus home. Surprisingly, his twisted charade lasted several years before he was followed home and his dastardly scheme was uncovered. âIâve seen some sick shit in my day, but this ... this is some sick shitâ added Officer Tanken. Police said he was in the process of finding new caretakers shortly before his arrest. Kelly was quoted saying, âWay down deep inside, I need my pacifier, my masculinity is wrapped in my infancy.â One of the caretakers added, âI have to live with this for the rest of my life, this shame.â

Artist in Review - Tommy Wiseau is âOn Top of It Allâ
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - The works of Los Angeles writer, actor, director Tommy Wiseau have inspired a fanatical cult following since the 2003 release of his movie The Room. Due to its quirky and unusual style of direction, many consider The Room to be one of the best bad movies of all time, so much so that it has become a phenomenal novelty across the globe.
Upon its theatrical release, The Room failed to make a dent in the over-saturated market of Hollywood chamber dramas, but for the next five years Wiseauâs tenacious self-promotion eventually began to pay off. Among other things, he advertised midnight screenings of the film on a billboard over-looking the Sunset Strip in LA. Slowly but surely The Room, a âBlack Comedyâ as Wiseau would eventually refer to it, attracted the attention of a few Hollywood actor/comedians. Word spread from there and the film soon became an underground sensation. He currently tours theaters across the US making personal appearances where The Room is being shown. In addition, the filmâs success has enabled him to direct episodes on Comedy Central, and there is unofficial Internet fodder stating that he plans to make a vampire flick in Austin, TX in the near future.
Despite anyoneâs personal opinion of his work, Mr. Wiseau is not afraid to bare it all for the sake of art. He is a huge proponent of individual expression, creative freedom, and artistic collaboration. I had the privilege of talking to Tommy on the phone a couple months back about the possibility of Conquistador Inc. using audio clips from The Room in a song on their âBalladsâ album. It was obvious when speaking to him that he is very passionate about his art. No amount of censure he receives will deter him from doing what he was born to do. His unyielding ambition is nothing less than hilarious, I mean inspiring. I predict that, in the years to come, Wiseauâs effect on the film industry will be subtle and strange, yet surprisingly significant. For now, in the eyes of most, he and his plans for the future will both remain a mystery.
Wiseau once said his goal is for 90 of Americans to see The Room. If this goal does come to fruition, what a better world we will share. Lights will brighten, smiles will widen, life will re-form into something that is more transparent and beautiful, easy to understand and easier to manage. It will be a place where a football can be thrown from any distance, where spoons are always readily available, and where the threat of breast cancer is as ephemeral as a paper cut. Tommy Wiseau, show me all there is to see about the man that I can be. Your posterâs on the wall to guide me. Call me back, tell me that all there is to hear is fame eclipses fear. Itâs all becoming clear.

CHIMP ATTACK - Beloved pet maims woman
STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT - On February 16, 2009, police responded to a desperate 9-1-1 call from Sandra Herold. Her beloved pet chimpanzee of 14 years had suddenly gone on a rampage and attacked Charla Nash. Over the crazed pleadings of Mrs. Herold, the screams of the melee could clearly be heard. Once the police arrived on the scene, the fully socialized chimp approached the squad car and opened the driverâs side door. At this time Officer Frank Chiafari, who was in the car, had no choice but to shoot the animal numerous times to avoid becoming a victim himself. The chimpanzee then retreated into the house where he was found dead, just outside of the cage in which he usually slept. Ms. Nash was rushed to the hospital and treated for gruesome injuries to her face and limbs.
Travis the Chimp was born at a chimpanzee sanctuary in Missouri and adopted by Sandra and Jerome Herold when only three days old. Like all chimps, he had the ability to adapt to a human lifestyle and was quickly socialized to be a part of the family. He would eat dinner at the table, ride in the familyâs tow truck, brush his teeth, do his own laundry, watch television using a remote control and even drink wine out of long-stemmed glasses. Travis became a local celebrity attending parades in town and even getting roles in national commercials for Coca-Cola and Old Navy. He seemed to be the perfect pet and the growing love and admiration the family had for Travis was renowned.
In the years leading up to the attack, Sandra Herold suffered some major tragedies in her life. Her only daughter was killed in a car accident and a few years later her husband died of cancer leaving Travis as her only family. In their final years together, Mrs. Herold pampered Travis feeding him lobster and bathing with him. As Travis grew older she gave him tea laced with Xanax to help stabilize his mood and stave off the inevitable time when he became too old to continue living with her. Even under the best conditions, chimpanzees are generally more aggressive in their old age and prone to sudden violent behavior, and Travis was no exception.
On the day of the attack, Travis had left the house and could not be coaxed back inside. Ms. Nash, a long-time friend and employee of Mrs. Herold, was called upon to help, as she was also quite familiar with Travis. The chimp did not recognize her but rather felt her presence was threatening to his owner. He leapt at the defenseless woman and proceeded to tear at her face and arms ravenously. Mrs. Herold attempted to stop him with blows from a shovel and when that didnât work stabbed him repeatedly with a butcher knife before calling the police.
Ms. Nash lost her hands, nose, eyes and lips and sustained substantial brain damage. She was left blind and had experimental face transplant surgery several months after the attack. Mrs. Herold was sued for all the medical bills and harassed by groups like PETA. Shortly after the incident, Mrs. Herold was quoted as saying âIt was horrific, what happened. Would I have done it again? Yes.â

MY AMERICA - by Sarah Palin
Lately, people have asked me a lot, âSarah, what are your hopes and dreams for our great nation?â Well people, Iâve decided to use this weekâs column to address this very question. Letâs face it, our country has been led astray and itâs going to take some serious spring-cleaning to get back to where we were. Our moral compasses are all wacky and could not tell Wasilla from Havana! Itâs time to take back Washington for the little guys and show those left-wing career politicians what the real America is really about. So here they are, my plans for a new future.
1. No more handouts! That includes you middle class citizens, homeless vets, special needs kids (sorry Trig-o!), gays, blacks, people over 65, and illegal aliens (except for Marc Antony, heâs a cutie).
2. Drill here, drill now. Just the other day I was filling up my American made Ford Excursion and as I watched the numbers on the gauge rise higher and higher I thought to myself, âWho is making all the money off this oil?â We shouldnât be paying some terrorist in Saudi Arabia when there are oceans of oil just off our beautiful shores. America, letâs go get it!
3. Letâs put God back in schools. NO not Yahweh, not Buddha, not Allah, not even whatâs his name Vishnu yoo-hoo. Iâm talking about the REAL God. You know children are our future and those first years are so important to establish a moral plumb line. Our founding fathers created America as a Christian nation and Iâm sure that oleâ Tommy Jefferson is rolling in his grave knowing that our kids arenât required to pray before lunchtime. And last I checked there werenât any monkey men in the pages of the good book. Let God shed his grace on us all.
4. Fiscal Conservatism. This means you Wall Street fat cats! Park your Bentleys and stop messinâ with main street and the small businesses that make our country great. Last week while hovering above Detroit in my husband Toddâs chopper, I saw real Americans breaking their backs to get by and it broke my heart. Stop unnecessary spending on things like social security, healthcare, welfare, libraries, public buses, AIDS research, and abortion clinics. You canât spend what you ainât got.
5. Defend the 2nd Amendment. More guns mean safer streets, safer streets mean stronger communities, stronger communities mean sweeter dreams, sweeter dreams mean a better tomorrow, and a better tomorrow means AMERICA!

Tedâs Top Tips - From the Pastor Ted Haggard

Dear Ted,
My husband of six years and I have been having intimacy problems of late. While we were never very wild together in the past, Iâd like do something special for our anniversary this year to spice things up. Help me save our marriage! -Stacie
Oh boy,
Letâs hide old stale Stacie in the closet and bring out STEAMY Stacie! Trust me, what a man wants in bed is something heâs usually afraid to ask for. First thingâs first, book room 777 at the downtown Motel 6 (no windows!) and leave a discreet message for your husband to meet you there on the night of your anniversary. Be sure to set the scene with dim lighting, sexy music and the hottest little number you can squeeze your buns into! SRSLY! Once your man arrives, donât be afraid to take the Lordâs word and make him your master. Remember Genesis 24:2-3,9 that says âPlace your hand under the thigh of your master and make him swear an oath to youâ, IT WORKS! Give yourself to one another in the heat of the moment. By the sweat of your brows make his sword your plowshare and reap what you have sewn. Donât be afraid to cuddle up afterwards and watch some Sex and the City (you know you love it guys, lol).

Help Ted!
Iâm lost in a sea of drugs, clubs and boys and I donât know how to find my way home. Iâm 22, a dental assistant of 6 months, and for the past couple weeks Iâve woken up in a different bed every morning, hung-over and worn out :( Ever since my ex-boyfriend Rico dumped me, Iâve been going to Coconuts where he DJs and purposefully picking up hot guys right in front of him, but itâs not working. How do I move on and turn my life around? -Gabriel

OMG youâve got yourself a situation Gabe. Although the Lord isnât down with man to man intimacy, he does have some great tips to heal a broken heart and so do I. You need a change of scenery. If I remember right, Coconuts is so dark and seedy, itâs like a glimpse into the soul of a woman. Try a nice faith-based bar like The MANger or Adamâs Eden on 4th Street. With your luck finding guys, you can stand to be a little more picky with whom you involve yourself. Itâs all about loving yourself, but not before the Lord. It sounds like youâre trying to fill the gaping hole that Rico left in your heart (and elsewhere! jk lol :-o). Iâve seen first hand the kind of emotional strain youâre going through in a some of my other young, handsome, supplicant, eager, and confused friends. What has helped them is finding someone who has walked that road before, someone that they can trust. Try looking in places where nice men hang out like church or the café in Barnes and Noble on Wednesday nights around 7 oâclock. As far as the drugs are concerned, while they always lead to a great night (and Lord knows Iâve had some great nights) ultimately it cannot compare to the high youâll get from spending the rest of eternity in heaven. I have faith in you to do the right thing. Hang in there and donât give up till Gabriel blows his horn.

Ted, Why havenât you called? I havenât heard from you in weeks! -Mike Jones

ââ¦He lusted after their genitals â as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emissions were as strong as those of stallions.â â Ezekiel 23:20

Missed Connections
FOUNTAINHEAD?
You: Manish, right-wing intellectual author in the coffeeshop writing about the importance of the individual in society and the need for smaller federal government involvement in our economy.
Me: Loud, boorish, pig-faced pundit at the counter complaining about how all the coffee comes from outside the US.
I want to say âI love youâ but first I need to say the âIâ. Let me take you to a Teabag Party and maybe breakfast after? Iâm on the verge of moral collapse at any time. -Contact Glenn Beck

REAL ESTATE LISTINGS
Two bedroom duplex with detached garage for rent at a reduced rate. Current occupant is indefinitely away and may return at any time and owner is looking to capitalize on the opportunity. High ceilings, tile floors, fully modern kitchen, covered porch and a backyard. Big dogs are okay but no people with trash-life. If you are interested, contact me on Monday, not tomorrow, Monday. By the way, I donât pick up the certified letter, I just donât have time.
BE REASONABLE!
Contact Joa Jong-il, Realtor
âDo something nice at least a few times per day, so come to the office on Monday.â

THE CASE OF OTTY SANCHEZ
SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS - Early in the morning on July 26, 2009 San Antonio police officers responded to a 9-1-1 call placed at the residence of 33 year old Otty Sanchez. The officers entered the home to find a grisly scene. Otty sat on the living room couch with a self-inflicted slash wound to her throat and chest while screaming, âI killed my baby! I killed my baby!â Otty had decapitated her 3-week old son, mutilated his body and eaten some of his flesh. In the frantic 9-1-1 call placed by one of the Sanchez family members it is possible to hear Otty screaming in the background, âthe devil made me do it!â
Sanchez had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. In the weeks leading up to the murder, she had received treatment and medication at a state-run mental health facility for hearing voices. Sanchezâs lawyer told reporters, âShe was suffering from postpartum psychosis, a rare but extreme version of post partum depression in which new mothers hallucinate and feel urges to harm their newborns. Itâs especially common in women with a history of severe mental illness.â
On July 1, 2010 Sanchez was found not guilty by reason of insanity and ordered to stay at a maximum-security mental facility. Texas ranks 49th nationally in per capita spending on mental health services.

ASTRONAUT ARRESTED - Cross Country Drive Without Pit-Stops Ends In the Slammer
ORLANDO, FLORIDA - Navy Captain and Space Shuttle crewmember Lisa Nowak was arrested at the Orlando International Airport after attempting to kidnap fellow Navy officer Colleen Shipman. In addition to kidnapping, Nowak was charged with assault, burglary and destruction of evidence.
The event exposed a love triangle that had been silently brooding between Nowak, Shipman (a naval engineer), and fellow space shuttle pilot William Oefelein. Oefelein, commander and pilot of space shuttle mission STS-116, divorced two years ago and began an intimate relationship with Nowak, who served as Mission Specialist for Robotics on space shuttle mission STS-121. Their relationship continued while Oefelein began seeing Shipman. The space shuttle commander then attempted to break off his association with Nowak.
Nowak grew frustrated with the situation and used military computers in Houston to look up Shipmanâs personal file and flight information. She then drove from Houston to Orlando non-stop to confront Oefelein. According to police officers, Nowak packed food and wore adult diapers so that she would not have to stop during the 900-mile journey.
Once at the airport, Nowak waited for Shipman in the parking lot where she then confronted her. Nowak reportedly tried to enter Shipmanâs automobile, pleaded to open the door to âjust talkâ, then began to sob uncontrollably. Shipman then rolled down her car window and was sprayed with pepper spray by Nowak. Shipman fled the scene and alerted parking lot attendants who called the police.
Once officers arrived, Nowak was detained and her car was subsequently searched. Officers found the following items among her possessions: a steel mallet, a BB gun resembling a 9mm automatic pistol (safety off), a black wig, a hooded tan trench coat, a 2-pound hammer drill, trash bags containing two used adult diapers, pepper spray, 69 orange pills, rubber tubing, an 8-inch knife, $585 cash, black gloves and a USB drive containing bondage photos. According to Nowakâs testimony, she only wanted to use the BB gun to scare Shipman into talking.
Former Naval Academy classmate Todd Ballast, who graduated with Nowak in 1981 said of his former peer, âShe was one smart cookie, she had it all: brains, looks, and she was a great shot on the skeet course. We all expected her to do great things. Too bad she was bat-shit crazy.â Nowak, literally a rocket scientist, could not formulate a better plan to win back her lost lover. Her hair-brained and desperate attempt was truly pathetic.

THE JOURNEY OF ESTEVANICO
CULIACÁN, NEW SPAIN - On this day in history in 1536, Spanish conquistadors near Culiacán, Mexico found Moroccan-born slave Estevanico. Along with Álvar Núñez Cabeza de Vaca, Alonzo del Castillo Maldonado, and Andrés Durantes de Carranza, Estevan survived the ill-fated Narváez expedition, which left Castile and León in June of 1527 in hopes of establishing Spanish colonies in the New World.
In August 1527, after crossing the Atlantic, 1/6 of the expedition deserted in Santo Domingo (present day Dominican Republic) upon first landing. Following their re-supply and re-embarkation, hurricane Nathaniel struck the Caribbean and took with it the two newly loaded storage ships of the flotilla that were carrying 1/5 of the expeditionâs horses, all of the fresh food, and most of their pornographic novels. The expedition attempted to re-supply once again but their newly hired master pilot ran all six remaining ships aground just off the coast of Cuba. For three weeks, they waited to be freed from the shoals and were forced to use up most of their remaining supplies. Once freed, the expedition sought to re- supply for a third time at nearby Havana, but within sight of the port city, strong winds forced them to continue onwards to Florida.
The expedition, after losing yet another ship in the Caribbean, finally came ashore north of Tampa Bay in April of 1528. After establishing contact with the natives and staking papal domination, the expedition moved further north along the Florida coast hoping to find Tampa Bay which, in fact, lay to the south. Shortly thereafter, the master pilot was lost forever in a solo attempt to find the bay.
On May 1, 1528 the expeditionâs leader Narváez split the remaining soldiers, their wives, and the expeditionâs leaders into both a sea and a land contingent. They planned to reunite after venturing a short distance north to the great bay but the two parties never saw one another again.
The land contingent, which included Estevan, marched for two weeks with no food before finding a village of natives whom they enslaved. Three days of gorging on the nativesâ corn left the expedition, once again, with no food, new enemies, and no idea of their location.
Narváez ordered the party to go north where they encountered village after village of distrustful natives that abandoned their homes upon first sight of the strangers. Finally they reached the Apalachee capital and found themselves under attack by overwhelming forces of natives. They fled southwest into a swamp where they were constantly harassed by Indian guerilla parties and plagued by mutinous whisperings.
Finally the expedition was able to fend off the Indian attacks and find sustenance. A new plan was hatched to return to the water in boats that were constructed by melting down all of their armor and weaponry. By September 22, 1528, several boats had been built and the party quickly set sail into the Gulf of Mexico where all but 80 men succumbed to thirst, hunger, and frequent storms. The remaining 80 were then dumped by another hurricane onto a barrier island near present day Galveston where they were overpowered, enslaved, and traded amongst Texan tribes for the next four years.
By 1532, only four members of the party remained. Cabeza de Vaca, Castillo Maldonado, Durantes de Carranza, and Estevan were able to escape Indian enslavement and flee west into present day Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona where they wondered for four more years before reuniting with their country men in 1536.
Their reunification marked nine years of survival in the hostile Americas and it was the first exploration of the American west by Spaniards, but Estevanâs journey was not complete. Durantes still claimed ownership of Estevan and sold him to a viceroy of Mexico who then gifted him to the Franciscan, Marcos Niza. In 1539, Estevan set out again as a scout with Niza to find the Seven Cities of Cibola. Estevan made first contact with the Zuniâs who killed him because of his dark-skin and his demands for turquoise and women.

We hope you enjoy the album!
-Conquistador Incorporated