How to save your marriage?

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The fact that you are reading these words right now tells me that this is exactly what you want to do with all of your heart.

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Knowing the problem comes before the solution
Marriage is a contract. Ignoring that it is a contract of marriage, in commerce, if there is a contract in place and there is a dispute, it will benefit all parties concerned to try to sort that dispute out. That can only happen, however, if the parties to that contract and subsequent dispute actually know what the problem is. This is where the first problem often lies when trying to sort out a problem in a marriage. You have to know what the problem is, because without that knowledge, there is no possibility of ever finding a solution. In a minority of cases, finding the problem that has caused the crisis in your relationship might not be at all difficult. Abuse, infidelity or violence are all obvious problems which are, nevertheless, not entirely insurmountable. However, there are millions of faltering marriages where (for want of a better phrase) `things are just not right'. There is no obvious, single reason why the relationship is not working out at the moment ­ it is just that it isn't working. For tha
t reason, for millions of people (perhaps like you), the first job is to put their finger on what is going wrong. To do that, you have to go back to the place where all problems start, that is, back to the beginning. You need to identify what you believe to be the problems that have got you to the position you find yourself in today. Note that I refer to what `you believe' the problems are. It is important to remember that you and your spouse are currently in dispute, and, if you are like the majority of married couples in this situation, going through a hard time, it is probable that you somehow manage to disagree about everything at this moment. Because of this, your view of what is going wrong with your lives may be very different from the views that your spouse believes are 100% the complete story! Nevertheless, you still have to identify what are the real problems that are in your opinion damaging your relationship. So, from where you sit, what are the problems that are or occurring in your marriage rig
ht now, that are making you and your spouse feel ever more distant from one another?

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Do you, for example, feel that you are losing touch with one another, because you no longer communicate in the way that you once did? Is it that, over the years that you have been together, you have gradually drifted apart to the point where you feel that you have nothing left in common with the person you married? Are there constant arguments about matters such as money, time for yourself or the children? The fact is, until you have some answers to these kinds of questions, it is impossible for you and your spouse to begin to move towards the reconciliation that you desire. It will at some point also be necessary to try to convince your partner to do the same as you by listing down what they believe the problems are. Give this matter as much thought as is necessary, and remember that this is not a blame game, so be honest and accept that some of the problems might be down to you. Then, grab a piece of paper, and write down everything that you currently feel is going wrong with your relationship. Make this
one of those `stream of consciousness' things where you write down everything that comes into your head. Detail everything about what you feel, believe and desire in your relationship. Do not worry, this is not a document that you will be showing to anyone else - so honesty is the key, because the more truthful you can be with yourself, the more beneficial this action is likely to be. Nor is this document designed to be the basis of an immediate discussion with your spouse. For the time being, I would recommend that you read through the whole of this book before talking to your partner about the problems you are encountering as a couple. In this way, you will have a clear and complete picture of everything this book can teach you. At the moment, you have only managed to take the first faltering step. Once you have established what you believe to be the problems that are the cause of your current unhappiness, there is one additional step that you must take. As you are reading this book, it is to be assumed th
at you want reconciliation with your partner, or at least to take things back to the way they used to be when you were happy together. That is all well and good, but it is a very vague and general target, and you need to establish something more specific and precise that you want to achieve when you get back together.

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