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Frank Zappa and Donald Fagan judging a talent contest between Tortoise and Gentle Giant...with Robert Wyatt doing the commentry.

4 MP3 Songs
ROCK: Progressive Rock, JAZZ: Jazz Fusion

ANTIQUE SEEKING NUNS - a mild history:

In so much as a band is or can purport to be a reasoned collective, on account and in retrospect does only then occur, almost knowingly, the same response. Antique Seeking Nuns is that band! But they are more than that (obviously) this is their history.

Nuns Joff and Matt formed a band that they hoped would sore higher than any band south Oxfordshire had ever known before. Who knows, they might even get a gig in Berkshire. But for now all they had was a drum kit, a painfully cheap Casio Keyboard that had a row of green triangular buttons that vanished inside the casing if you pressed them too hard, plus an acoustic guitar. At no time did they ever own a digital delay pedal, a fact that haunts them to this day. The painful realisation that they were never going to be Pink Floyd was thankfully avoided by the limp finger of fate that flung Nun Matt into the furthest reaches of rain drenched solitude (Bury, North Lancashire). 300 miles now separated the duo who watched aghast as music was viciously raped by the likes of Oasis and Avant-Garde Dynamos, Echo belly. To make matters worse, a home grown band called Raidiohead, direct from their own locality arose to steal the "punk as hell but actually prog when no one's looking" mantle that should so rightfully have belonged to the fledgling mother superiors themselves. Dire times indeed.

However, a phallic shaft of opportunity appeared due to a geographically astute choice of university location by Nun Matt. Now reunited the task could begin! And so they began by undertaking a frankly ludicrous and ill-advised few months as performing Jazz musicians. With their dignity and social standing dropping through the floor the boys gamely soldiered on by remaining aloof to the near comatose reactions of their audiences and by ignoring the plumes of evaporating cat's piss emerging from the back of Nun Joff's amp. Amazingly, throughout this period strange music began to emerge, largely emanating from a salvaged Lowry Organ complete with the truly terrifying beat box, that did please the ears of these musicians.

But what to call such a sound?

"Cast Iron Bitch" was an early favourite for a potential band name. That was until Nun Matt recalled his girlfriend's education at a convent school and of said girlfriend's shocked midnight discovery of several highly respectable nuns heaving valuable religious artefacts into the back of a Ford Transit in order to...well know one really knows what they were doing but the mysterious "Antique Seeking Nuns" deserved to be honoured anyway.

"Antique Seeking Nuns", "A.S.N", or just "The Nuns" had been born and there was not a damned thing anyone could do about it.

That said, potential record company indifference, lack of funds and yet more lacking in the field of auditioning a snazzy live band, could perhaps have all been viewed as being somewhat problematic. Actually, all the above were problematic. They were F**king screwed! BIG TIME!!

However, all was not lost as Matt's refusal to get an honest day job paid off when he won a cash prise in a competition that financed, among other things, the TRINITY OF POSSIBILITIES and also the SKYLINE OF DREAMS (actually only 15 quid from a charity shop). Joff in the meanwhile was busy in his bedroom building the Nun's Studio which looked deceptively incomplete to onlookers but they will soon find...that it is...FULLY FUNCTIONAL!!! (um...try reading the last bit in a scary Davros type voice, it works a lot better).

Thus, from said FULLY FUNCTIONAL!!! recording studio did emerge the first bursting of the Initial Burst of A.S.N. In the continuing attempt to sneak in the back door of a sympathetic record label, they inadvertently discovered the meaning of life in a local cafe, an experience documented in the song "Double Egg with Chips and Beans (and a tea), discovered kindred spirits in Nuns Brad and Paul, played much music and grooved out in 23/16 time.

And so we get to where we are. If you are reading this then hopefully, somehow, you have come across some A.S.N music. In which case we implore you to follow the following steps to being reasonably content:

1. Eat Double Egg with Chips and Beans (and a tea) as often as possible

2. Avoid Cheese (unless grilled/killed)

3. Listen to Antique Seeking Nuns.

4. Listen To Antique Seeking Nuns!!!!

(if all the above goes belly up then the band are writing a stage musical called "Arctic Fox" about a brave flying car that saves children).

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